Are you thinking of leaving your relationship?
Are you so frustrated with your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend, or your partner that you just can’t imagine staying any longer?
Are you at a breaking point?
Have you considered leaving for some time now?
If you are thinking of leaving your relationship, read this blog first!
I have some advice on how to improve your relationship immediately AND from the inside out.
I hope you are all ears… cause I wrote this post especially for YOU!
(this post does not relate to people who are in abusive relationships. You need to honour your own safety first and foremost so this blog will not relate to you)
Relationships come with Expectations
Most of us join with another human being in partnership because we feel that our partners will in ‘some way’ complete us.
Let’s face it, deep down you feel this. Why bother getting involved with anyone otherwise. We are willing to sacrifice our space, our peace, our almost everything… because we really want to feel fulfilled in some way.
Relationships happen to be one very good way we can ‘get’ that feeling. Though it is the not only way, it is relationships we will focus on today.
So, one sure fire way many of us fill this lacking feeling is through bonding in an intimate relationship
The Love Story
When we meet someone who seems to fulfil us and who feels the same way about us as we do about them, then we call this love. We feel that he or she is the one, the only one. We find ourselves falling in love and it is beautiful… it really is absolutely the best feeling we can feel in the physical realm.
However, from this complete beautiful and loving feeling, we also have a lot of expectations about what a partner should do and be for us. You have to realise your exceptions here, what you expect from your partner because this is the beginning of the end really.
When we start to hold someone’s attention as sacred because they give us a huge kickback (either positive or negative), we will have expectations tied to them. This means essentially that your ego kicks in big time, especially in intimate relationships and it will literally, take over!
Ego takes Over
Whenever ego takes over your show, you can be pretty sure it is going to go… oh, how do I say this delicately… sideways… backwards… down the tubes… whatever.. you start telling your stories about your relationships. You start complaining because your partner doesn’t do this or that.. you start blaming your partner for all things you expect them to do for you that they are not doing….
But oh .. then you may marry this person and sign a contract, to falsely secure the fact that you will stay together forever…. Like really!? Is anything forever?! And if you break that contract there will be serious consequences either felt by family or society or just ingrained guilt. Oh, the rules and the fury of it all!
Then.. maybe you get married… after the wedding, normal life begins, life, jobs, and slowly the sense of lack comes back because your partner doesn’t behave the way you think they should.
You were looking for someone to make you happy, make you feel complete and now they are disappointing you! How dare they!
As time moves forward, you start to lose that love and it slowly can turn into hate or hostility. You withdraw from your partner, your ego is now in complete control of your thoughts and actions.
Back and forth, back and forth it goes. You have good phases then the bad phases come again, more and more and for longer.
You blame your partner for this. It is painful. You may even try to get your partner to change (which is futile). The mind will weave loads of stories around this to justify its painful self. The attraction can (but not always) turn into hate.
What was love, what you think is love is actually the deep-seated need of YOUR ego!
Now you are on the verge of leaving… what do you do next?
Ok, so if this is you in any shape or form, cool down. Honestly, you gotta see things for what they REALLY are.
You are fabricating everything at the moment and you are on a downward spiral that will have only one ending… you break your relationship.
So please stop and read on… there is NO need to act now… no need to do anything at the moment… stop… breath and take some time out to relax and calm and soothe yourself.
You are creating chaos in your life.
What to do now? Here are the steps that will get you to a more truthful and realistic place.
1) Acknowledge the situation
Well to start with you need to realise the stories you have been telling yourself. You recognise you have been operating from ego, and the stories it is fabricating about the situation which are making things worse.
You need to first and foremost admit and accept where things are right now and why and how they got this way. You are NOT allowed to blame your partner! You must be conscious and awakened as you consider this moment, right here and right now.
2) See your part in this
Accept that your partner is not responsible for your happiness. Your partner is never going to be able to fulfil you the way you want. There is only one person who can that and that person is YOU!
It is an impossible task for ONE person to be able to make you feel complete, fulfilled. No one person can ever do that!
3) Be Conscious
Your state of consciousness is so important right now, not anything else. Not your part, not the drama, not the issues. Do not give your power away like that! Collect yourself, reflect, sit quickly with yourself and be a mature adult and deal with how you feel. (REMEMBER YOU STILL CAN NOT BLAME YOUR PARTNER) You have to take responsibility for how you feel.
4) Let this be a Wake-Up Call
This incident is awakening you to the need to connect with yourself.
There is only one thing that really matters right now, especially since you have come to this point of desperation… the only thing that really matters ever is your state of consciousness.
You can not do anything, make any decisions, think anything… until you have a glance at yourself. Feel yourself deep within and feel peace and calm within.
However long it takes you to attain this state, that is all that is important right now. So let go of the story, let go of the drama, let go of your expectations, let go of the pain and the hurt, let go of the blaming, let go of what is right or wrong and just be in this moment right here and right now.
If you are too frustrated or angry to get there right now, come back to this, but do not make any decisions about anything. Release yourself from the pressure of having to make a decision, right now.
5) Find Peace and Calm First
Once you reach your calm interior, once you find your balance and connect within, then and only then you can make small decisions about how to maintain that peace and calm in your daily life. You are not going to make any huge decisions that could potentially change your life in drastic ways.
So instead of wasting your time on blaming and negative thoughts and putting your energy there, you are consciously choosing to have calm thoughts, maybe even no thoughts. Find peace and balance and put your energy here.
6) Know thyself
This is the secret to releasing you from the pain you are feeling.
Be present, take your attention deeply within yourself. Do not get taken over by the thinking, or if you do, know it and release it and let it go…. Do not mistake the you that over thinks and gets you to believe in illusions …as the real you.
To know yourself as the being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise…The love and joy underneath the pain is freedom and enlightenment,
7) Bring presence into your pain and transcend it.
Stop investing in self-identified pain! Disconnect from the drama, the story the illusions… and reach a state of peace within. This will stop the conflict and drama.
The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind and you have made room for love, joy and peace.
First, you stop judging yourself, then you stop judging your partner.
The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner just as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way.
This takes you completely away from ego, there is no more fighting, no mind games, drama, codependency… you will then either separate in love or move ever more deeply into the now together… into being.
Accomplishing greatness from within your relationship
That is why it is possible to reach this free state from within your current relationship. If you leave your relationship you will bring your lack of connection with yourself, to the next relationship. Honestly, believe me, you will! So best to deal with it now.
Stay where you are and work through this. Be grateful that you have an opportunity to work through this, in your current relationship.
Find your self, connect within, for this is an opportunity to connect within more deeply than you ever have before.
Accept it, cooperate with it, this crisis is an opportunity. Don’t avoid it, don’t leave, the opportunity of this crisis will set you free.
Do not run away from this. This opportunity will open you up and will prevent you from being trapped in a pattern.
Be happy that what was unconscious, is now brought to the light. Your relationship can be your spiritual practice!
If there is any emotion like jealousy, anger, arguing, the need to be right, … know and feel the reality of that moment. If you observe unconscious behaviour in your partner, hold it in a loving embrace, and don’t react.
Unconsciousness and knowing cannot co-exist for long. Even if knowing is only in one person.
If you react to your partners’ unconsciousness you will become unconscious yourself.
Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only way to survive as a human race. This will affect every aspect of your life, especially close relationships. Many relationships are conflict-ridden like never before.
Relationships are not here to make you happy or fulfilled. You will be disillusioned again if you think a relationship will fulfil you.
If you accept that your relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then it will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world (thank you Eckhart Tolle for that!).
Well, that is it.
It is just so easy to walk away. And, honestly you fix nothing and you doom yourself to repeating it all again in the next relationship.
So praise be, you have the perfect opportunity to fix yourself, to correct your energy and to gain great wisdom and strength from this lesson.
If you are going through a phase in your relationship, where you thought the only option was to leave, I’d love to hear from you!
Or if you have tried the strategies here please share with us what you discovered.
(Thank you for the beautiful picture! Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash)