I think it fair to say that we all have, at one time or another, drama in our family.
Recurring issues and explosions can keep you stuck in a pattern that doesn’t help anyone, especially you.
Are you currently disconnected from a family member or have been in the past?
Are you struggling to come to terms with family relationships?
Do you get so frustrated dealing with family that you have walked away, or even cut off relations with certain family members?
Or maybe, you feel like an outsider in your own family?
Hard as you have tried to fit in… your blood tribe just isn’t… your tribe.
Can’t live with them… can’t live without them!
Family relations are perhaps the most challenging relationships we will ever deal with.
Family can bring the best out of us and the worst.
Because we are so close to our family both physically and emotionally. That means it can all get VERY personal.
Step back from the drama for a moment.
Your family can be your best guide to learning who you really are. Family dynamics can open you up to insights into your beliefs, fears, expectations and so much more…
Such a treasure trove of blessings comes at an equally challenging cost. The lessons can be hard and often we lack the staying power or the maturity to get the most out of the lessons that are presenting themselves to us through our family dynamics.
Managing family relations authentically requires skill, humility and a hell of a lot of spiritual maturity. Higher order divine understanding is needed and that type of knowledge doesn’t just fall into your lap.
But IF you can master family drama you will be able to handle just about anything anyone on planet earth will ever throw at you.
So, what is the best way to handle these types of very close and personal relationships? You know like when family members rub you the wrong way, or say things that irritate you? Or worse when they cut you off, insult you, abuse and manipulate you…
Well read on my friend… cause here it is… how to rise above all that family drama AND disconnect from it authentically AND be a better person spiritually for it!
I’m going to break this process down into workable steps, not in any particular order, but ALL are equally important.
1. Any issues you have in your family are actually about YOU not them.
Yep lets get that truth out of the bag immediately. You are not going to solve anything without first seeing YOUR role in it. And it is a central role my friend. In fact you are why there is an issue here.
If, as you may truly believe, the issue in your family has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them… then why are you not simply dropping it? Why are you picking it up again and again? Why do you feel you have to prove your innocence or anything for that matter?
Stop blaming everyone for the discontent YOU have in YOUR life. Free your family from any wrong doing and free yourself from a life time of misery. It is up to you now to make the most of the hand that destiny has dealt you.
Don’t want to? Then keep doing what you are doing and never solve anything and continue to feel sorry for yourself. That is the best way to stay stuck in a poor me mentality and never grow spiritually.
2. You are not Special!
Your experience in life as being human is special, but you are one of endless humans living on planet earth.
You are not an extraordinary human being! Although, you can make your experience as a human being extraordinary.
Just remember though that in a second your life could end. You may not make it to tomorrow, next year or even to lunch time my friend. That’s the truth!
Being special is not your birth right! Seeing yourself as special is destructive to the truth of who you really are.
Feeling special creates selfish people who think they are immune to the laws of the universe. It creates people who think they are not connected to others or other life forms.
This ‘special’ ideology is – in my mind – the real impetus behind environment change and destruction, greed and gross failure of human kind to fix its global problems of poverty, war and cruelty.
Wake up! and get real. You are no more special than the flower that blooms in the spring, than the black bear that births its young in the diminishing forest, than the lone old man who sits by his window watching the last reflections of his life pass him by…
Stop feeling special!! and start feeling your connection to EVERYTHING around you, in the most humbling of ways.
3. You Deserve NOTHING!
True! You deserve nothing, not even from your family!
If you have been fortunate enough to have come to ‘expect’ certain privileges from your family in the past and they have helped you out from time to time, well that is a blessing and I hope you appreciate it as such.
In no way however, does that mean you are entitled to anything or deserve anything!
Some of the worse family abuses, come from spoiled adult children who feel they deserve or or entitled to free benefits from family because… well because they are so special… because ‘they’ need it and ‘you’ have it (in their mind) … and if family doesn’t give it to them… they will have a temper tantrum the size of an atomic bomb. They will even sabotage themselves, humiliate themselves to prove to you just how much they deserve to be treated as ‘Special’.
Oh god Grow UP!
Let me tell you something… if you are in the habit of constantly whining about your family, your poor family deserves to be rid of you!
And parents you are NOT responsible for your adult children, only unless you truly want to keep them dependent on you in which case you will be creating a mammoth problem for yourself to your dying day. Your kids can’t truly grow up if you keep shelling out for them.
5. Humble Up
Living your life humbly is an art and beautifully divine.
Expect everything from and of yourself, but no one else!
Get real, be honest, don’t take anything for granted, be an adult, stop expecting anything from other people, live your life the best way you can and take it all day by day.
6. Stop Asking Silly Questions
Stop asking yourself stupid questions such as, Why me? Why am I the one with shitty parents, or a shitty family? Those kinds of questions will get you nowhere fast.
I’ll answer them for you if you really MUST have an answer. “Because”. “Because it had to happen this way.” There is your answer… now get on with your life and live it authentically and stop blaming everyone around you for you inability to grow up.
Instead ask better questions such as, “Why do I feel I deserve this or that?” “What am I failing to recognise or learn about myself by constantly blaming others for annoying me?”
6. Be Grateful for Every Little Thing
Instead of focusing on the drama around you, focus instead on all the things that are working in your life. If you have some kind of a home to go to tonight, and a warm dry bed to sleep in, you have a lot to be grateful for.
7. Honour Yourself and Set Healthy Boundaries
That doesn’t mean you put yourself first literally, but you do have to respect yourself and be tapped into yourself before you can give anything of yourself to your loved ones.
Having a family around you is a strong powerful tribal force that can be a key element in living harmoniously. It governs our lower chakras and can give a sense of stability, acceptance, strength and wisdom. We are social creatures and we need other people around us to survive and to feel accepted and connected.
You can also be part of a family or a tribe and not have to give up everything you feel you stand for. In fact, family will push your boundaries and may at times expect more of you than you can ever offer or be.
You have to know yourself well enough to know what your limits are, and what your personal boundaries are.
Some families are demanding and may expect too much from you in which case you need to be strong within yourself to be able to draw a line.
An authentic way to deal with demanding family situations is to say to a family member, I love and respect you but what you are doing or saying, I don’t approve of.
I recently had to tell a close family member that as much as I loved them and respected them, I did not ever want to hear their opinion again about a certain topic. Their opinion was not welcome anymore. The end.
It has since been their choice to not talk to me and I am totally fine with that. That is their choice. They have every right to not talk to me if they don’t want to, cut me off, or do whatever they feel led to do… and I am now free from their constant opinions and judgements.
When you authentically decide to not tolerate a particular behaviour from someone in your family, you have to be prepared for the fact that you may have to walk away or they may walk away… yet this way is so much more empowering than fighting, complaining, dealing in an ongoing drama and fighting in a way that never brings about a change or authentic result.
8. Unconditional Love
I recently heard an acquaintance of mine scream out loud in anger at his family for not supporting him unconditionally. “That is what family is for, for god’s sake, to offer unconditional love!” This is what my friend said.
To start with, my friend certainly didn’t even know what the hell unconditional love was, was now demanding it from others and was feeling completely within his right to belittle his family for not showing it to him – because he DESERVED it!
Oh my god, if only he knew how ridiculous he was being in that moment.
But surprisingly, many of us fall under the same misconceptions.
Are you someone who goes on about unconditional love, being like the ‘holy grail’ to all wonderful relationships?! And then berates everyone for NOT showing unconditional love, ignoring the fact that you yourself have no clue what it is.
Please, let us not lie to ourselves ok!
I personally do not know ANY human being dead or alive who truly is the embodiment of unconditional love. If you are a parent and you want to argue with me on this, I’ll take you on. There is no way you can honestly tell me that you love your children unconditionally. Well maybe for a moment in time you do love them unconditionally, until…. what will it take… a tattoo, a car crash, burning down the family home, marrying a terrorist… when does your love turn conditional?
There is a point for everyone, make no lies about that!
Don’t be ignorant; admit it, love is conditional. That is the human way. At least if you can admit this you at least understand the complexity of unconditional love.
Unless you are a saint on the scale of Jesus, the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, Teresa of Avila or John the Cross… you ain’t got an unconditional bone in your body!
Unconditional love is in the divine realm. That is worthy of discussion only AFTER we sort ourselves out, let go of our petty issues, detach from ourselves and our family dramas, attach to our souls and truly embark on a life of self-reflection.
Most of us are a very long way from that.
9. When Your Tribe isn’t your Family
It happens. You feel like an outsider in your own family.
You don’t get along with anyone and you wonder if you were switched at birth accidentally because nothing resonates well with you and other family members.
If this is you then you have to just be yourself and be authentically who you are, with or without your family or their approval. Your journey might be a bit more challenging but honestly many of us come to this point at one time or another within our families.
As we evolve on our journey through life, many of us will break away from the traditions of our families and redefine who we are outside of that unit.
Embrace your journey, no matter how different it may be or feel, embrace it. And just because you are an outsider doesn’t have to mean that it is a bad thing. Believe me, if you have ever experienced the smothering effects of a family, you will appreciate just how blessed you are to be set free and find your own way. It is all a matter of what you are going to do with your situation and what spin you will put on it.
Well, this certainly was not a blog that was ever going to stroke your ego!
It is your ego that needs to be blasted out of the water if you are EVER going to have peace with your family and most importantly peace within yourself.
I’m not saying that your ego isn’t important, it is… but many of us have inflated egos and that is often the problem in relationships, our egos are way too inflated and we let them drive our ship through life.
If you are a ‘new age’ person looking for easy fixes, you won’t get that here.
You have to get out of yourself, in order to ‘get’ yourself and everyone around you.
We honestly take ourselves far too seriously and we think we are way more valuable and special than we really are.
If you get that, then you and I will have lots more to talk about on this journey towards our greatest achievement ever…
But first, you have to humble up! Stop thinking you are special, stop feeling you deserve anything, be grateful for everything even the shit, expect everything from yourself and no one else and admit that perhaps your family may be better off without YOU! In the meantime set healthy boundaries, aspire towards unconditional love, and get out of your own way as you move towards enlightenment and divine purpose.
Living life is no small deed when you are ready to truly take responsibility for everything in your life.
Please comment below, I really would love to hear from you.