How to Have an Anger Release With Another Person – Darice Cairns
Darice Cairns
The Art of Finding Truth, One Man's Journey Through Love, Life, Grief and Joy

Have you ever released your anger – in a not so constructive way – and been shut down?

Do you ever feel guilty about your anger release, and so you shut yourself down?

If left unresolved, your anger will grow into a dark black monster that has the potential to hurt you and the people you love.

Yet, there IS a way you can have a ‘constructive’ anger release and not alienate yourself from everyone.

People don’t mean to shut you down when you release your anger; it’s just that most people have misunderstandings about what anger is.

If you are like many people, you may not even feel comfortable releasing your anger in front of other people.

Here is how you can have a constructive anger release with the people who triggered your anger.

Here are 4 Easy Steps to Having a Constructive Anger Release.

I have spoken in a previous post about Anger and ‘How to Have a Good Healthy Anger Release?’ We talked about how to constructively release your anger while being completely alone (away from other people). I have decided to keep THIS topic separate because it requires some well thought out planning before embarking on it.

Birds eye view of a man and a woman siting at a roudn table with coffee getting ready to talk.
Having a healthy anger release with another person takes skill and conscious thought and requires you to ‘set the scene’.

Releasing anger in front of the person who triggered your anger takes skill. If you don’t feel ready for this, don’t do it; have your anger release alone.

It is rare for someone to have grown up in a family that accepts anger as a standard, natural part of feeling and releasing emotion. Instead, other people may try to shut down your anger, saying it is inappropriate and harmful.

In my own family, my parents never allowed me to express my anger. Like many people, I grew up holding it in, turning it on myself, and even feeling guilty when I did get to the point of screaming and yelling. What would happen is my anger would grow like a volcano ready to erupt.  And one day, it would erupt, and I would create a terrible scene simply because I was never allowed to release it whenever it came up.

Anger Release with Loved Ones

In our dealings with other people and especially in close, intimate relationships, it is difficult to have a constructive anger release because anger can have a catastrophic impact on our connection with other people. We know this, so that is why we tend to bury it.

Like many people, I have had partners that would make my anger about them, take it personally, and I end up apologizing while all I needed was a healthy anger release!

Misunderstanding and misplaced anger can have terrible effects on relationships. So it is worth spending some time learning how to handle anger in a healthy manner.  How to do this with other people can help us move through our triggers and release pent-up emotions in the process…

Black and white photo of a woman very angry, holding her hair on top of her head and yelling.
It is healthy to let your anger out whenever you feel it rising up. Until you get good at handing your own anger, don;’ do an anger release with others.

1) Explaining What Is ANGER

Provide all involved parties with whom you will be open about anger with a good understanding of what anger is all about. Be sure they understand why it is not good to shut someone down while they have a release.

Remind everyone that this anger release is about YOU, not them. This acceptance of anger as ok, is a difficult concept for many people to accept. It is even difficult to find councillors and therapists who are skilled at handling anger appropriately.

For too long anger has not been dealt with as a good and healthy emotion to have and express.

2) Talk About How You Feel

To start with, you need to get comfortable with your own anger.  Accept that feeling anger is ok, normal and healthy.  Talk about how you FEEL. Do not get off track and talk about what the other person did wrong.

Blaming this person or others is not how to deal with your anger; it will only make things worse. If someone truly hurt you and you must discuss it, deal with them one-on-one AFTER you have had a healthy anger release.

Ask this person if you can get angry in their presence. Remember, the anger you are feeling is not about them; they have triggered something in you, the issue is with you, and you need to get it out.

3) Understand That Not Everyone Will Accept Your Anger

Many people will not be able to distance themselves from your anger, and they will take it personally, no matter how you explain it. So ask first!

If they shut you down, the instant you start to show your anger, take time out and talk with them when you both feel calmer. Explain to the people concerned that releasing anger is a normal healing process and is not about them.

Two young ladies have a disagreement and were arguing and not connecting.
Sometimes, the people you want to have an anger release with will not be able to accept your anger without taking it personally. Have it anyway, just do it privately.

If they try to make you feel guilty or try to make it about them, or they try to shut you down, you might need to rethink sharing your anger with them.

Respect that your partner may not be able to detach from your anger even though they know it isn’t about them. Maybe you are triggering something in them, which they need to think about and feel through. At any rate, please respect that and have your anger release somewhere else and not in their presence.

4) Own Your Anger

Take ownership of your anger and know you have a right to have a healthy anger release. No one has the right to stop you from having an anger release, providing you are not taking your anger out on other people. Anyone close to you needs to allow you to have an anger release and vice versa.

The person with whom you have an anger release has boundaries too, and if you cross the border and make your anger about them, you are no longer taking responsibility for your own emotions.

The point of having a healthy anger release with someone else is to practice your right and the process of allowing and feeling your anger. It is all part of allowing and connecting with your emotions.

Moving Forward…

When you are genuinely comfortable having an anger release in front of other people, they understand the importance of allowing your anger to be released. This in turn allows people in your life to accept you more honestly.

Communication with them will improve; trust is built because, at the core of this, you are being who you are and allowing others to see the real you.

A well-executed anger release is perhaps the most healing process anyone can go through. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anger; it is just some of the ways we express it that can be damaging.

Moving forward…

Practice this process of expressing your anger constructively and watch as your world changes and shifts for the better.

I swear there is nothing more liberating than knowing and taking responsibility for your own anger! 

Leave me a comment if you found this helpful, or if you have struggled with authentically releasing anger, or if you have tried this and have seen and felt the shift in energy to something bigger and better in your life.

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