Ever been dumped?

Sure you have!

Ever left a loved one?

No matter which way you look at it, breakups are shitty.

They hurt, often make you question your worthiness and they can make you feel very much rejected.

You feel it, whether you are the one who was left, or you are the one who leaves.

Whether you are a leaver or have been left  … no matter which way you look at it, those emotions can feel REALLY uncomfortable and be consuming.

Yet, let’s get that all into perspective!

You are gonna feel so much better after reading this!

This blog post is all about how you can change your thoughts to more positive ones after a break-up.

No Relationship Lasts Forever

(Well, not in physical form)

Stepping back a bit from the drama will show you just what is really going on behind all those gut-wrenching emotions.

To start… think about this.

When two people are no longer a match to each other energetically, they will either drift apart or the relationship will simply end.

In an ideal situation, the feeling is mutual, both parties understand what is really going on and no one gets hurt.

Ha!  Since that rarely happens, read on…

Ok, now I know you can’t help but feel rejected when someone leaves you, especially if you felt quite happy in the relationship. but this is your wake up call, that all was not as it seemed.

So let’s get real about some facts and help you to change the direction of the momentum you have going which is NOT serving you well right now.

Some Hard Facts about Relationships

1)  All relationships end, even happy and long marriages of 30 plus years will eventually end when your partner passes away or you pass away. Just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it or you are a failure.

2)   Its all about energy.  When you met your partner, you were attracted to each others energy.  You were both vibrating at the same energetic level.  That is the intense feeling you felt, it was about energy matching energy. It is beautiful.  So when a relationship ends, or people drift apart it means the energy changed.

To understand this even deeper, you and your partner simply did not have the psychological maturity to take your love deeper and further.  Period. Breaking up doesn’t mean the love went bad.  Love is the most powerful force in the universe. It takes a great deal of maturity and trial and error to be able to maintain such a powerful force.  In other words, we have LOTS to learn here!

3)  You must not base your worthiness on others. When a relationship ends it feels so bad because we are human and we tend to base our worthiness on how other people treat us. If we were completely enlightened beings, breakups wouldn’t bother us at all, we would simply recognise that it was time to move on, like two friends saying goodbye after an outing together.

The reason why a break up hurts so much is not because the person left you, it is because of the way you are looking at it and the way you are looking at yourself.

When someone leaves us, it can cause us to doubt our own self worth. And that NEVER feels good and is always going to hurt, because your self-worth is so much more than that, and certainly not based on others opinions of us.

Your self-worth is not connected to others opinion of you.  When you question your self-worth, you are so far away from your truth (which is that you are so worthy and worthwhile), so it hurts big time! That is why we feel that hurt so acutely and so powerfully because it isn’t our truth to feel unworthy.

Being aware of what a break up really is in truth (that shit happens, we evolve and grow, it is a constant process, and we may move in and out of many peoples lives in the process) rather than thinking the way we normally do, for example that the break up was your fault and you are worthless. Realising this can really help you to heal and move you towards better feeling thoughts.

If you are really struggling to get to a better feeling place read this blog to get you on the right track emotionally and spiritually.

4) Value all of your relationships.

Just because it ended doesn’t mean it was all a waste of time. The two of you have simply moved in different directions. You have to look at how much you learnt in the relationship.

Be careful though, because you may be thinking back on all your good times together and that could propel you into more misery when you realise it was all so good, so why did it have to end?  Don’t go there!

Think about the good stuff, interns of what this relationship taught you, how it allowed you to grow and be more aware of things you obviously needed to be aware of. Stay focused on the positive aspects of how you know so much more about yourself now, having been in this relationship.

If you get sloppy with your thoughts and cave into any form of sinking or negative feelings, make every effort to change your thoughts and reach for better feeling ones.

5) Self-loathing 

Too often I have seen people spiral downwards in self-loathing, self-pity, complaining and blaming their partner who left them, many many years after the fact.

If you are still harbouring ill feelings about your divorce, or break up and you are stuck in self-loathing for more than a year after the fact… you really have to wake up and ask yourself WHY you are choosing to stay stuck in the past!

Regardless of why the relationship ended, even regardless of how ripped off, you may feel or whatever they did to you, no matter how awful it was or is… there is nothing MORE terrible than YOU choosing to relive all the gory details and wallowing in it just because you feel you didn’t deserve it.

I personally know men still reliving their breakups 3-6 years after the fact.  That is insane! Why are you choosing to wear your self-pity like a neon sign?

You have only yourself to blame for feeling so shitty.  In fact, if you are harbouring ill feelings for SO long you really have to ask yourself what pay off are you getting by wallowing in self-pity?  Because there is some payoff – believe me there is.  So what is it?

Do you have the martyr complex?

This is one who routinely talks about, emphasises, exaggerates and even creates their own suffering in an attempt to make someone else appear guilty and blameworthy. Again and again. A true martyr is basically admitting that their power has been taken away deliberately by someone else. A martyr refuses to take control of their own personal power.

Give up the martyr complex!  It isn’t pretty!

Instead, look at this incident that happened to you in a different way,

Look at how you grew in the relationship, regardless of whether you view the relationship as good or bad, you grew in that relationship!  You know more about yourself through that relationship than you knew before.  Be grateful for having the chance to grow.

Thank your ex silently for releasing you to now experience new relationships, with so much more experience and knowledge.  It is all – on a grander scale – actually a good thing.

6) Waffling back and forth in your emotions

You are likely to waffle.  For example, you may go from having a handle on all of this, feeling better maybe even more positive, and then one morning you wake up crying and a mess again. That is quite normal and all part of healing.  It is difficult to break old beliefs and old habits.

You believed your beliefs for a long time and invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship.  You may feel, ‘It can’t be over!’  You just can’t switch into “life is beautiful’ mode just like that. You have to be gracious with yourself and really do all that you can to show yourself self-love.

Do not beat yourself up for wallowing back into the old sad feelings.  Just recognize that it’s a process of healing.  Do celebrate however every single time you switch to better feeling thoughts and genuinely feel better.  Make the most of THOSE moments and slowly you will have more of those than the old negative emotions. You are training your brain to have better thoughts more and more often.

7) After a break up it is best to let go completely, for a while

Sometimes people break up and the whole experience was a huge wake-up call, and they get back together.  It happens.  It can also show you that – yep you or both of you are better to move on.  Either way, you need to give yourself that time alone and away from your partner to really come to terms with your true feelings.

Be careful though.  The decision to fight back for a relationship must be done intuitively rather than out of fear.

You can tell the difference of whether you want to get back to the relationship from a place of intuition or fear.  If it is intuitive, you will be calm, no angry outbursts and absolutely no feelings of desperation. You will also be happy with any outcome, whether you get back together or not, there will be no motivation like ‘I need this to work so I can feel better’.

I am a firm believer that if you leave a relationship and never look back, you could be missing out on some incredibly valuable life lessons and healing.  let’s face it, if you don’t deal with the crap you are dealing with now, do you really think that ‘leaving’ is going to solve the bigger problem?  Certainly NOT!  You only bring all that baggage to your next relationship.

8) Dealing with Anger and Resentment

Once you move through the hurt, you may hit anger and resentment full on.  Let’s face it, it feels so much better to feel anger than hurt.

What is happening is you are progressing up the emotional scale and that is a good thing, BUT beware of dwelling in anger too long.

Anger and resentment left unchecked can become destructive to yourself and even violent.

You might start berating your partner for ripping you off, taking everything from you, etc, etc… you may enjoy wallowing in your own self-pity because it does feel so much better than hurt and pain.

If you dwell here too long you will experience the dark side of anger and risk either getting violent or feeling like a victim.  In both cases, you will feel justified in your anger.

Once you start not taking responsibility for how you feel and blaming your partner for all the ills of the relationship you will block your own growth. You also risk-taking in the rich learning that is yours from all the good this relationship has taught you about YOU!

If you don’t like what you see about this relationship after it is over, you HAVE to stop blaming and look at the role you had in bringing it to this point.

Time to Humble up!

9)  You can attain greatness from within your relationships

It is possible that you and your partner may not yet be truly finished with each other. If you are both growing in maturity spiritually and in love, there is always an opportunity to get what you really are striving for in love, by reaching for that within your current relationship.

I have experienced this in my own life, but you really need to be in a good place and solid in yourself to know truthful whether this is the best for you and your partner.

Think twice before leaving a loving and caring relationship.  Moving forward together in a relationship will only work if you are both communicating, have a real love and respect for each other and have the psychological maturity to be really truthful and authentic with each other.

If this is, however, not your first break up with the same person, you are probably best to move on. Acknowledge for whatever and all reasons (good, bad or indifferent) that you attracted this person into your life for a very good reason. Now, let them go and your next relationship will be even better.

10) Life is all about working through relationships

Do you desire to attain greatness in your life?  Do you feel a higher calling stirring in your soul?  If so then your relationships will get you there!

Relationships are the fertile soil from where all of life’s wisdom grows from.

Who you are in your relationships says everything about you – in the most authentic and honest way.

So don’t trash your relationships, they are the best way to get you to where you need to go.  They will help you be a better person.  Bless all your relationships, no matter how challenging.

The jewel is in the knowing that you will always attract what you most need to learn and celebrate.

Embrace all that they have to offer!

Final thoughts:

If you are struggling with trying to better understand any of your relationships share your thoughts here.

Have a question you would like answered, please comment below or send me an email.

Or, maybe you would like to celebrate a new realisation about your relationships.

I’d love to hear from you!

(Special thanks for cover Photo by Taylor Harding on Unsplash)

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4 thoughts on “How to Feel Better After a Break Up

  1. This blog is wonderful , I follow your blog always. Try to understand your view because of that I read almost 3 times. It’s very easy to sit at corner tell people what to do , until happens to me will know not easy to follow what I advised people . This just I wrote in my note books ;
    you think you broke up with me ,
    But I broke without you.
    Hurts to put all together,
    Was painful when I broke.

    Do you see what I mean.? It’s pain full .
    Every day I was giving advice to my people how to handle your love , now happened to me I know was wasting time because I am not them.
    Always depend what was the weight of love that broken heart had.
    Ms Cairns , I am not here to challenge your knowledge , maybe I shouldn’t be here at all. But shows no one broke up with you at all. And hope never happen to any one.

    1. Dear Behzad, thank you so much for your beautiful words! Wow…. Well yes you are right, it is easy to talk and give advice, yet if you are going through something like this, it is not so easy for sure. I have experienced heart break – three times to be exact – in my life, though it was a long time ago. My father broke my heart when I was very young, and I struggle with that to this day…. and two other relationships, I was in (also long ago) totally broke my heart. Yet, even with this, our hearts do survive and we come through it. It is not easy though for sure. I so love the words you shared with me/us here… your poetry. Maybe you are right, I am no expert, it is too easy to say this and that, and this is how to feel better, it is garbage actually when you are going through such pain. If there is a better way please tell me, please share, you can email me and I could even post it in a new blog, if it is relevant and lifts all of us higher. I do know we come through these things, I do know that. The how’s and the process we go through though, is the heart wrench, as you so eloquently share in your message. But yes, I am no expert, though I have shed my river… or more in tears… my, yours, our tears are but a mere drop in the ocean…, that can hopefully awaken our most humble pure selves. I am deeply grateful and honoured that you have shared this here. I know that it would not have been easy to share this… here.

  2. Oh thank you l understand so you had experience . I am very sorry trying control my self not to cry much because hurts so much. In my case there is no one to blame . Lately tried just to blame myself because otherwise situation brings hate and I never want to hate anyone specially the person who loved so much. May be the best is look to what people left for each other after breaking. For me up to almost end of our relationship was blessing .Couple days ago I let everything go. Because understood all is gone. There is no one better than your self to share your pain. And will try to value the love I had it was a gift for 3 years . Sorry is not matrial you can buy. So instead hate I will appreciate her and I keep her saved in my heart . If the person you loved you let it fly they way makes them happy there will be more easier to handle. And that was my mistake I was so angry lost my job almost . I reconnected with some friend they helped me lots by email and phone they thought I am in sueside road but luckily everything was on control . I am sure you know is hard. I love my memory I keep a way not let brings me down just I will look at them and remember enjoy. Sorry I gave you headaches not mean too. I think all my point is we can’t tell people what to do when they breakup just have to support them or show them not disconnected not put them away each other . that has to start both who they were in love and especially they are far of each other we have to give chance to other bring the anger out that’s only way can survive . By cutting line of each other and just walk away making other one worse Better they be friend even they are fighting . Line has to be open instead ignoring . Hope my advice and experience helps some . Thank you so much

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