How to Feel Better After a Breakup – Darice Cairns . Feel Better Now!
Darice Cairns
The Art of Finding Truth, One Man's Journey Through Love, Life, Grief and Joy

Are you feeling shitty after a breakup and wondering how to work through all the emotions you are feeling?

Breakups feel terrible.

If you are going through a breakup, I have some sure-fire ways for you to not only feel better but also think differently about the whole thing as well.

No Relationship Lasts Forever

(Well, not in the physical realm)

Stepping back a bit from the drama will show you just what is going on behind all those gut-wrenching emotions.

To start, think about this.

When two people are no longer a match to each other energetically, they will either drift apart, or the relationship will simply end.

In an ideal situation, the feeling is mutual, both parties understand what is going on, and no one gets hurt.

Ha!  Since that rarely happens, read on.

Ok, now I know you can’t help but feel rejected when someone leaves you, especially if you felt quite happy in the relationship. But this is your wake up call, that all was not as it seemed.

A man sitting thinking with his hand folded in front of him.
A relationship break down, means it is a perfect time to reflect and be with yourself as the lessons learned will reveal themselves to you in the most honest way. (Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash)

Some True Facts about Relationships

1)  All Relationships End

Even happy and long marriages of 30 plus years will eventually end when your partner passes away, or you pass away.  Just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it, or you are a failure.

2) It’s All About Energy.

When you met your partner, you were attracted to each other’s energy.  You were both vibrating at the same energetic level.  That is the intense feeling you felt; it was about energy matching energy. It is beautiful. So when a relationship ends or people drift apart, it means the power changed.

You and your partner simply did not have the psychological maturity to take your love deeper and further. Period. Breaking up doesn’t mean the love degenerated. Love is the most potent force in the universe. It takes a great deal of maturity and trial and error to be able to maintain and manage such a powerful force.

Woman standing alone thinking and looking up at the sky.
In all relationships, the message is always energetic. Try to think of the bigger picture, energetically when a relationship disappoints you.

3) Don’t Base Your Worthiness on Others.

When a relationship ends, it feels so bad because we are human, and we tend to base our worthiness on how other people treat us. If we were utterly enlightened beings, breakups wouldn’t bother us at all.  We would simply recognize that it was time to move on like two friends saying goodbye after an outing together.

When someone leaves us, it can cause us to doubt our self-worth. And that NEVER feels good and is always going to hurt, because your self-esteem is so much more than that, and indeed not based on others’ opinions of us.

Your self-worth is not connected to others’ opinions of you.

When you question your self-worth, you are far away from your truth (which is that you are so worthy and worthwhile), so it hurts big time! That is why we feel that hurt so acutely and so powerfully because it isn’t our truth to feel unworthy.

Two girls faces up close and together, looking out intensely at the audience.
Relationships tell us what we really need to give ourselves when we are seeking that from others.

If you are struggling to get to a better feeling place, read this blog to get you on the right track emotionally and spiritually.

4) Value All of Your Relationships.

Just because it ended doesn’t mean it was all a waste of time. The two of you have simply moved in different directions. You have to look at how much you learnt in the relationship.

Think about the good stuff, interns of what this relationship taught you, how it allowed you to grow and be more aware of things you needed to be mindful of. Stay focused on the positive aspects of how you know so much more about yourself now, having been in this relationship.

Black and white picture of a couple holding hands in the middle of a road.
All relationships are valuable to your personal development, even if they don’t work out quite the way you expected.

5) Self-loathing after a breakup

If you are still harbouring ill feelings about your divorce or break up and you are stuck in self-loathing for more than a year after the fact, you have to wake up and ask yourself WHY you are choosing to stay stuck in the past.

Regardless of why the relationship ended, even irrespective of how ripped off you may feel, no matter how awful it was or is, there is nothing MORE terrible than YOU choosing to relive all the gory details and wallowing in it just because you feel you didn’t deserve it.

Do you have the martyr complex?

A martyr is someone who routinely talks about, emphasizes, exaggerates and even creates their suffering in an attempt to make someone else appear guilty and blameworthy. A martyr refuses to take control of their life situations.

If you see this trait in yourself, try to look at the situation or the break up differently.

Woman lieing in the bed, thinking and looking out at the audience.
Relationship challenges tell us exactly what we need in the moment and should be welcome messages.

Look at how you grew in the relationship, regardless of whether you view the relationship as good or bad; you grew in that relationship!  You know more about yourself through that relationship than you knew before.  Be grateful for having the chance to grow.

6) Waffling back and forth in your emotions

You are likely to waffle.  You may go from having a handle on all of this, feeling better, maybe even more positive, and then one morning you wake up crying and a mess again. That is quite normal and all part of healing.  It is difficult to break old beliefs and old habits.

Do not beat yourself up for wallowing back into the old sad feelings.  Just recognize that it’s a process of healing.  Celebrate every single time, you switch to better feeling thoughts.  Make the most of THOSE moments, and slowly you will have more of those than the old negative emotions. You are training your brain to have better thoughts more often.

7) After a breakup it is best to let go completely, for a while

Sometimes people break up, and the whole experience was a huge wake-up call, and they get back together.  It happens.  It can also show you that – yep, you or both of you are better to move on.  Either way, you need to give yourself that time alone after the breakup and stay away from your partner to come to terms with your true feelings.

Be careful, though.  The decision to fight back for a relationship must be made intuitively rather than out of fear.

You can tell the difference of whether you want to get back to the relationship from a place of intuition or fear.  If it is intuitive, you will be calm, with no angry outbursts and absolutely no feelings of desperation. You will also be happy with any outcome; whether you get back together or not, there will be no motivation like ‘I need this to work so I can feel better.’

8) Dealing with Anger and Resentment, after a breakup

Once you move through the hurt, you may hit anger and resentment full on. It feels so much better to feel excitement (even in the form of anger) than pain.

What is happening is you are progressing up the emotional scale, and that is a good thing, BUT beware of dwelling in anger too long.

You might start berating your partner after a breakup, for ripping you off, taking everything from you, etc…you may enjoy wallowing in your self-pity because it does feel so much better than hurt and pain.

If you dwell here too long, you will experience the dark side of anger and risk either getting violent or feeling like a victim.  In both cases, you will feel justified in your passion and you will stay stuck in that self-pity rut.

If you don’t like what you see about this relationship after it is over, you HAVE to stop blaming and look at the role you had in bringing it to this point.

Time to Humble up!

9)  You Can Attain Greatness From Within Your Relationships

It is possible that after a breakup, you and your partner may not yet be finished with each other. If you are both growing in maturity spiritually and in love, there is always an opportunity to get what you are striving for in love, by reaching for that within your current relationship.

Think twice before leaving a loving and caring relationship.  Moving forward together in a relationship will only work if you are both communicating, have a real love and respect for each other and have the psychological maturity to be truthful and authentic with each other.

Two people walking on railway tracks.
Give yourself and your partner space when there is a separation or break up. Time apart will tell the truth of what really is.

10) Life is all about Working Through Relationships

Do you desire to attain greatness in your life?  Do you feel a higher calling stirring in your soul?  If so, then your relationships will get you there!

Relationships are the fertile soil from where all of life’s wisdom grows.

Who you are in your relationships says everything about you.

So don’t trash your relationships, they are the best way to get you to where you need to go.  They will help you be a better person.  Bless all your contacts, no matter how challenging.

The jewel is in the knowing that you will always attract what you most need to learn and celebrate.

Embrace all that they have to offer!

(Special thanks for cover Photo by Taylor Harding on Unsplash)

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4 thoughts on “How to Feel Better After a Breakup

  1. Oh thank you l understand so you had experience . I am very sorry trying control my self not to cry much because hurts so much. In my case there is no one to blame . Lately tried just to blame myself because otherwise situation brings hate and I never want to hate anyone specially the person who loved so much. May be the best is look to what people left for each other after breaking. For me up to almost end of our relationship was blessing .Couple days ago I let everything go. Because understood all is gone. There is no one better than your self to share your pain. And will try to value the love I had it was a gift for 3 years . Sorry is not matrial you can buy. So instead hate I will appreciate her and I keep her saved in my heart . If the person you loved you let it fly they way makes them happy there will be more easier to handle. And that was my mistake I was so angry lost my job almost . I reconnected with some friend they helped me lots by email and phone they thought I am in sueside road but luckily everything was on control . I am sure you know is hard. I love my memory I keep a way not let brings me down just I will look at them and remember enjoy. Sorry I gave you headaches not mean too. I think all my point is we can’t tell people what to do when they breakup just have to support them or show them not disconnected not put them away each other . that has to start both who they were in love and especially they are far of each other we have to give chance to other bring the anger out that’s only way can survive . By cutting line of each other and just walk away making other one worse Better they be friend even they are fighting . Line has to be open instead ignoring . Hope my advice and experience helps some . Thank you so much

  2. This blog is wonderful , I follow your blog always. Try to understand your view because of that I read almost 3 times. It’s very easy to sit at corner tell people what to do , until happens to me will know not easy to follow what I advised people . This just I wrote in my note books ;
    you think you broke up with me ,
    But I broke without you.
    Hurts to put all together,
    Was painful when I broke.

    Do you see what I mean.? It’s pain full .
    Every day I was giving advice to my people how to handle your love , now happened to me I know was wasting time because I am not them.
    Always depend what was the weight of love that broken heart had.
    Ms Cairns , I am not here to challenge your knowledge , maybe I shouldn’t be here at all. But shows no one broke up with you at all. And hope never happen to any one.

    1. Dear Behzad, thank you so much for your beautiful words! Wow…. Well yes you are right, it is easy to talk and give advice, yet if you are going through something like this, it is not so easy for sure. I have experienced heart break – three times to be exact – in my life, though it was a long time ago. My father broke my heart when I was very young, and I struggle with that to this day…. and two other relationships, I was in (also long ago) totally broke my heart. Yet, even with this, our hearts do survive and we come through it. It is not easy though for sure. I so love the words you shared with me/us here… your poetry. Maybe you are right, I am no expert, it is too easy to say this and that, and this is how to feel better, it is garbage actually when you are going through such pain. If there is a better way please tell me, please share, you can email me and I could even post it in a new blog, if it is relevant and lifts all of us higher. I do know we come through these things, I do know that. The how’s and the process we go through though, is the heart wrench, as you so eloquently share in your message. But yes, I am no expert, though I have shed my river… or more in tears… my, yours, our tears are but a mere drop in the ocean…, that can hopefully awaken our most humble pure selves. I am deeply grateful and honoured that you have shared this here. I know that it would not have been easy to share this… here.

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