Are you feeling shitty after a breakup and wondering how to work through all the emotions you are feeling?
Breakups feel terrible.
If you are going through a breakup, I have some sure-fire ways for you to not only feel better but also think differently about the whole thing as well.
No Relationship Lasts Forever
(Well, not in the physical realm)
Stepping back a bit from the drama will show you just what is going on behind all those gut-wrenching emotions.
To start, think about this.
When two people are no longer a match to each other energetically, they will either drift apart, or the relationship will simply end.
In an ideal situation, the feeling is mutual, both parties understand what is going on, and no one gets hurt.
Ha! Since that rarely happens, read on.
Ok, now I know you can’t help but feel rejected when someone leaves you, especially if you felt quite happy in the relationship. But this is your wake up call, that all was not as it seemed.
So let’s get real about some facts that will help you feel better after a breakup. These will also help you to change the momentum that you have going, which is NOT serving you well right now. Some of the ideas form this blog comes from the teaching of Melody Fletcher.
Some True Facts about Relationships
1) All Relationships End
Even happy and long marriages of 30 plus years will eventually end when your partner passes away, or you pass away. Just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it, or you are a failure. That fact is true!
2) It’s All About Energy.
When you met your partner, you were attracted to each other’s energy. You were both vibrating at the same energetic level. That is the intense feeling you felt; it was about energy matching energy. It is beautiful. So when a relationship ends or people drift apart, it means the power changed.
To understand this even more profound, you and your partner simply did not have the psychological maturity to take your love deeper and further. Period. Breaking up doesn’t mean the love went terrible. Love is the most potent force in the universe. It takes a great deal of maturity and trial and error to be able to maintain such a powerful force. In other words, we have LOTS to learn here!
3) Don’t Base Your Worthiness on Others.
When a relationship ends, it feels so bad because we are human, and we tend to base our worthiness on how other people treat us. If we were utterly enlightened beings, breakups wouldn’t bother us at all. We would simply recognize that it was time to move on like two friends saying goodbye after an outing together.
The reason why a break up hurts so much is not that the person left you, it is because of the way you are looking at it and the way you are looking at yourself after a breakup.
When someone leaves us, it can cause us to doubt our self-worth. And that NEVER feels good and is always going to hurt, because your self-esteem is so much more than that, and indeed not based on others’ opinions of us.
Your self-worth is not connected to others’ opinions of you.
When you question your self-worth, you are so far away from your truth (which is that you are so worthy and worthwhile), so it hurts big time! That is why we feel that hurt so acutely and so powerfully because it isn’t our truth to feel unworthy.
Being aware of what a break up is in truth (that shit happens, we evolve and grow), is a constant process. We may move in and out of many people’s lives in the process) rather than thinking the way we usually do, for example, that the break up was your fault and you are worthless. Realizing this can help you to heal and move you towards better feeling thoughts, after the breakup.
If you are struggling to get to a better feeling place, read this blog to get you on the right track emotionally and spiritually.
4) Value All of Your Relationships.
Just because it ended doesn’t mean it was all a waste of time. The two of you have simply moved in different directions. You have to look at how much you learnt in the relationship.
Be careful, though, because you may be thinking back on all your good times together, and that could propel you into more misery when you realize it was all so good, so why did it have to end? Don’t go there!
Think about the good stuff, interns of what this relationship taught you, how it allowed you to grow and be more aware of things you needed to be mindful of. Stay focused on the positive aspects of how you know so much more about yourself now, having been in this relationship.
If you get sloppy with your thoughts and cave into any form of sinking or negative feelings, make every effort to change your thoughts and reach for better feeling ones.
5) Self-loathing after a breakup
Too often, I have seen people spiral downwards in self-loathing, self-pity, complaining and blaming their partner who left them, many many years after the fact.
If you are still harbouring ill feelings about your divorce or break up and you are stuck in self-loathing for more than a year after the fact, you have to wake up and ask yourself WHY you are choosing to stay stuck in the past!
Regardless of why the relationship ended, even irrespective of how ripped off you may feel, no matter how awful it was or is, there is nothing MORE terrible than YOU choosing to relive all the gory details and wallowing in it just because you feel you didn’t deserve it.
I know men still reliving their breakups 3-6 years after the fact. That is insane! Why are you choosing to wear your self-pity like a neon sign?
Do you have the martyr complex?
A martyr is someone who routinely talks about, emphasizes, exaggerates and even creates their suffering in an attempt to make someone else appear guilty and blameworthy. Again and again. A faithful martyr is admitting that their power has been taken away deliberately by someone else. A martyr refuses to take control of their ability.
Give up the martyr complex! It isn’t pretty!
Instead, look at this incident that happened to you differently,
Look at how you grew in the relationship, regardless of whether you view the relationship as good or bad; you grew in that relationship! You know more about yourself through that relationship than you knew before. Be grateful for having the chance to grow.
Thank your ex silently for releasing you to now experience new relationships, with so much more experience and knowledge. It is all – on a grander scale – actually a good thing.
6) Waffling back and forth in your emotions
You are likely to waffle. For example, you may go from having a handle on all of this, feeling better, maybe even more positive, and then one morning you wake up crying and a mess again. That is quite normal and all part of healing. It is difficult to break old beliefs and old habits.
You believed your beliefs for a long time and invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship. You may feel, ‘It can’t be over!’ You just can’t switch into “life is beautiful’ mode just like that. You have to be gracious with yourself and do all that you can to show yourself self-love.
Do not beat yourself up for wallowing back into the old sad feelings. Just recognize that it’s a process of healing. To celebrate, however, every single time, you switch to better feeling thoughts and genuinely feel better. Make the most of THOSE moments, and slowly you will have more of those than the old negative emotions. You are training your brain to have better thoughts more and more often.
7) After a breakup it is best to let go completely, for a while
Sometimes people break up, and the whole experience was a huge wake-up call, and they get back together. It happens. It can also show you that – yep, you or both of you are better to move on. Either way, you need to give yourself that time alone after the breakup and stay away from your partner to come to terms with your true feelings.
Be careful, though. The decision to fight back for a relationship must be made intuitively rather than out of fear.
You can tell the difference of whether you want to get back to the relationship from a place of intuition or fear. If it is intuitive, you will be calm, with no angry outbursts and absolutely no feelings of desperation. You will also be happy with any outcome; whether you get back together or not, there will be no motivation like ‘I need this to work so I can feel better.’
I am a firm believer that if you leave a relationship and never look back, you could be missing out on some incredibly valuable life lessons and healing. Let’s face it if you don’t deal with the crap you are dealing with now, and after the breakup, do you think that ‘leaving’ is going to solve the bigger problem? Certainly NOT! You only bring all that baggage to your next relationship.
8) Dealing with Anger and Resentment, after a breakup
Once you move through the hurt, you may hit anger and resentment full on. Let’s face it; it feels so much better to feel excitement than pain.
What is happening is you are progressing up the emotional scale, and that is a good thing, BUT beware of dwelling in anger too long.
Anger and resentment left unchecked can become destructive to yourself and even violent.
You might start berating your partner after a breakup, for ripping you off, taking everything from you, etc., etc..you may enjoy wallowing in your self-pity because it does feel so much better than hurt and pain.
If you dwell here too long, you will experience the dark side of anger and risk either getting violent or feeling like a victim. In both cases, you will feel justified in your passion.
Once you start not taking responsibility for how you feel and blaming your partner for all the ills of the relationship, you will block your growth. You also risk-taking in the productive learning that is yours from all the good this relationship has taught you about YOU!
If you don’t like what you see about this relationship after it is over, you HAVE to stop blaming and look at the role you had in bringing it to this point.
Time to Humble up!
9) You Can Attain Greatness From Within Your Relationships
It is possible that after a breakup, you and your partner may not yet be finished with each other. If you are both growing in maturity spiritually and in love, there is always an opportunity to get what you are striving for in love, by reaching for that within your current relationship.
I have experienced this in my own life, but you need to be in the right place and stable in yourself to know truthful whether this is the best for you and your partner.
Think twice before leaving a loving and caring relationship. Moving forward together in a relationship will only work if you are both communicating, have a real love and respect for each other and have the psychological maturity to be truthful and authentic with each other.
If this is, however, not your first break up with the same person, you are probably best to move on. Acknowledge for whatever and all reasons (good, bad or indifferent) that you attracted this person into your life for an excellent idea. Now, let them go, and your next relationship will be even better.
10) Life is all about Working Through Relationships
Do you desire to attain greatness in your life? Do you feel a higher calling stirring in your soul? If so, then your relationships will get you there!
Relationships are the fertile soil from where all of life’s wisdom grows.
Who you are in your relationships says everything about you – most authentically and honestly.
So don’t trash your relationships, they are the best way to get you to where you need to go. They will help you be a better person. Bless all your contacts, no matter how challenging.
The jewel is in the knowing that you will always attract what you most need to learn and celebrate.
Embrace all that they have to offer!
If you are struggling with trying to understand better any of your relationships, share your thoughts here.
Have a question you would like answered, please comment below or send me an email.
Or, maybe you would like to celebrate a new realization about your relationships.
I’d love to hear from you!
(Special thanks for cover Photo by Taylor Harding on Unsplash)