Are you feeling shitty after a breakup and wondering how to work through all the emotions you are feeling?
Breakups feel terrible.
If you are going through a breakup, I have some sure-fire ways for you to not only feel better but also think differently about the whole thing as well.
No Relationship Lasts Forever
(Well, not in the physical realm)
Stepping back a bit from the drama will show you just what is going on behind all those gut-wrenching emotions.
To start, think about this.
When two people are no longer a match to each other energetically, they will either drift apart, or the relationship will simply end.
In an ideal situation, the feeling is mutual, both parties understand what is going on, and no one gets hurt.
Ha! Since that rarely happens, read on.
Ok, now I know you can’t help but feel rejected when someone leaves you, especially if you felt quite happy in the relationship. But this is your wake up call, that all was not as it seemed.
Some True Facts about Relationships
1) All Relationships End
Even happy and long marriages of 30 plus years will eventually end when your partner passes away, or you pass away. Just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it, or you are a failure.
2) It’s All About Energy.
When you met your partner, you were attracted to each other’s energy. You were both vibrating at the same energetic level. That is the intense feeling you felt; it was about energy matching energy. It is beautiful. So when a relationship ends or people drift apart, it means the power changed.
You and your partner simply did not have the psychological maturity to take your love deeper and further. Period. Breaking up doesn’t mean the love degenerated. Love is the most potent force in the universe. It takes a great deal of maturity and trial and error to be able to maintain and manage such a powerful force.
3) Don’t Base Your Worthiness on Others.
When a relationship ends, it feels so bad because we are human, and we tend to base our worthiness on how other people treat us. If we were utterly enlightened beings, breakups wouldn’t bother us at all. We would simply recognize that it was time to move on like two friends saying goodbye after an outing together.
When someone leaves us, it can cause us to doubt our self-worth. And that NEVER feels good and is always going to hurt, because your self-esteem is so much more than that, and indeed not based on others’ opinions of us.
Your self-worth is not connected to others’ opinions of you.
When you question your self-worth, you are far away from your truth (which is that you are so worthy and worthwhile), so it hurts big time! That is why we feel that hurt so acutely and so powerfully because it isn’t our truth to feel unworthy.
If you are struggling to get to a better feeling place, read this blog to get you on the right track emotionally and spiritually.
4) Value All of Your Relationships.
Just because it ended doesn’t mean it was all a waste of time. The two of you have simply moved in different directions. You have to look at how much you learnt in the relationship.
Think about the good stuff, interns of what this relationship taught you, how it allowed you to grow and be more aware of things you needed to be mindful of. Stay focused on the positive aspects of how you know so much more about yourself now, having been in this relationship.
5) Self-loathing after a breakup
If you are still harbouring ill feelings about your divorce or break up and you are stuck in self-loathing for more than a year after the fact, you have to wake up and ask yourself WHY you are choosing to stay stuck in the past.
Regardless of why the relationship ended, even irrespective of how ripped off you may feel, no matter how awful it was or is, there is nothing MORE terrible than YOU choosing to relive all the gory details and wallowing in it just because you feel you didn’t deserve it.
Do you have the martyr complex?
A martyr is someone who routinely talks about, emphasizes, exaggerates and even creates their suffering in an attempt to make someone else appear guilty and blameworthy. A martyr refuses to take control of their life situations.
If you see this trait in yourself, try to look at the situation or the break up differently.
Look at how you grew in the relationship, regardless of whether you view the relationship as good or bad; you grew in that relationship! You know more about yourself through that relationship than you knew before. Be grateful for having the chance to grow.
6) Waffling back and forth in your emotions
You are likely to waffle. You may go from having a handle on all of this, feeling better, maybe even more positive, and then one morning you wake up crying and a mess again. That is quite normal and all part of healing. It is difficult to break old beliefs and old habits.
Do not beat yourself up for wallowing back into the old sad feelings. Just recognize that it’s a process of healing. Celebrate every single time, you switch to better feeling thoughts. Make the most of THOSE moments, and slowly you will have more of those than the old negative emotions. You are training your brain to have better thoughts more often.
7) After a breakup it is best to let go completely, for a while
Sometimes people break up, and the whole experience was a huge wake-up call, and they get back together. It happens. It can also show you that – yep, you or both of you are better to move on. Either way, you need to give yourself that time alone after the breakup and stay away from your partner to come to terms with your true feelings.
Be careful, though. The decision to fight back for a relationship must be made intuitively rather than out of fear.
You can tell the difference of whether you want to get back to the relationship from a place of intuition or fear. If it is intuitive, you will be calm, with no angry outbursts and absolutely no feelings of desperation. You will also be happy with any outcome; whether you get back together or not, there will be no motivation like ‘I need this to work so I can feel better.’
8) Dealing with Anger and Resentment, after a breakup
Once you move through the hurt, you may hit anger and resentment full on. It feels so much better to feel excitement (even in the form of anger) than pain.
What is happening is you are progressing up the emotional scale, and that is a good thing, BUT beware of dwelling in anger too long.
You might start berating your partner after a breakup, for ripping you off, taking everything from you, etc…you may enjoy wallowing in your self-pity because it does feel so much better than hurt and pain.
If you dwell here too long, you will experience the dark side of anger and risk either getting violent or feeling like a victim. In both cases, you will feel justified in your passion and you will stay stuck in that self-pity rut.
If you don’t like what you see about this relationship after it is over, you HAVE to stop blaming and look at the role you had in bringing it to this point.
Time to Humble up!
9) You Can Attain Greatness From Within Your Relationships
It is possible that after a breakup, you and your partner may not yet be finished with each other. If you are both growing in maturity spiritually and in love, there is always an opportunity to get what you are striving for in love, by reaching for that within your current relationship.
Think twice before leaving a loving and caring relationship. Moving forward together in a relationship will only work if you are both communicating, have a real love and respect for each other and have the psychological maturity to be truthful and authentic with each other.
10) Life is all about Working Through Relationships
Do you desire to attain greatness in your life? Do you feel a higher calling stirring in your soul? If so, then your relationships will get you there!
Relationships are the fertile soil from where all of life’s wisdom grows.
Who you are in your relationships says everything about you.
So don’t trash your relationships, they are the best way to get you to where you need to go. They will help you be a better person. Bless all your contacts, no matter how challenging.
The jewel is in the knowing that you will always attract what you most need to learn and celebrate.
Embrace all that they have to offer!
(Special thanks for cover Photo by Taylor Harding on Unsplash)