Are you a man trying to find your place in the world today?
Are you confused about your role as a man or feel that the people around you are confused about your role?
Are your loved ones pushing you to be something you are not, causing frustration and an internal crisis?
Do you feel misunderstood, taken for granted, used and abused and even lost in your identity as a real man?
Do you ever wish you had a role model, someone who is a REAL man themselves?
And, what the hell does it take to be a REAL man in 2018?
If any of these statements ring true for you, then you, my man are in the right place. I am a woman, and there is nothing more appealing to a real woman than a real man. So read on and be inspired, and know you are not the only man out there feeling – confused.
Oh, how I wish I had actually written the blog I am about to share with you.
I came across this brilliant blog post recently and it is so good I just have to share it. In today’s world, I hear men almost everywhere asking what it means to be a real man.
Boundaries have gotten fuzzy, expectations and roles for men have changed, and messages you are getting can be mixed and confusing.
All of this leaves men wondering what it means to be a real man in the 21st century. What is your place in this ever-changing world?
What is your role as a husband, father, lover, boyfriend, worker, or leader?
Men like you certainly have a lot of expectations placed upon your shoulders. Yet there are no clearly defined rules, guidelines or even support, let alone role models out there to help you be the man you are destined to be.
The problem – in my mind – is that the world doesn’t even know what a real man is anymore. Being a real man use to be simple 70 years ago. A man will go out into the world strong and determined and expectations of him were clear and pretty easy to understand. But that has ALL changed.
Furthermore, real men want and need a real woman in their lives and vice versa.
Blogger Aralwin Pilon writes that “To be a man you have to be a mature version of a person with a Y chromosome. And everything you don’t develop doesn’t mature.”
Our physical development takes care of itself more or less. We just need to keep eating, sleeping, drinking and breathing (although it helps tremendously if we do that properly). But if we don’t take care of our psychological, intellectual, emotional and spiritual development these aspects remain underdeveloped and therefore immature. You can do a quick scan right now: if you are a man and haven’t been taking care of one or more of these terrains you can be sure that the corresponding side of you is immature. (The entire blog below was written, in March 3, 2011, By Atalwin Pilon)
There is no particular order to the list nor is the author having pretenses about it being complete. On second thought and more honest: Pilon thinks it’s pretty complete but he was just acting humble – Ha! so here it is, a list of features that he honestly feels a mature man must own, be or do, and I couldn’t agree more…
(Another great related article can be found at http://getyourgustoback.com/how-to-be-a-man/)
1. Be fearless
Being fearless does not mean being without fear, being fearless means admitting your fears and going beyond them. A real man is not in denial of his fears, holding up a mask of invulnerability but is willing to face his fears and work on them. He has the courage to do things that frighten him when the situation calls for it. A real man knows that the path towards fearlessness is endless.
2. Be resilient
A man should be flexible and reliable at the same time. If necessary he can start all over again at any given moment. Whatever happens; his house was burnt down, his crop failed, he lost his job, his wife had a miscarriage: even if he has mourning to do he starts all over again. A real man accepts his fate but doesn’t become a victim of it.
3. Live, speak and listen from the heart
A real man doesn’t hide his feelings and intentions. He is not afraid to be gentle nor afraid to be sad. He is in touch with his emotions and is able to express them. He has the courage to live his dream and the space to listen compassionately.
4. Own your anger
A real man owns his anger. His anger has transformed into masculine compassion. He can be angry, strong, decisive and courageous. His anger serves his presence and the presence of others. It is not a humiliating or destructive type of anger. The latter happens when a man is a slave of his anger, that’s the anger of the coward trying to overcompensate his feelings of inferiority. This is just as sad as a man completely disconnected from his anger. He becomes emasculated and has no power at all. Other men don’t take him seriously. Women can smell immature anger and emasculated ness from a mile away and don’t find it sexy. Mature anger, on the other hand, is a big turn on.
5. Make meaning
Try not to become a man of success, try to become a man of value. Einstein said that. I think that’s true and important. If you fill your days with doing something that pays the bills but is essentially meaningless you are wasting your precious life. Yes, even if it pays the bills so handsomely that you can spend 2 months per year on adventurous holidays and eat in fancy restaurants, you are still wasting your life. A real man has the balls to travel outside his comfort zone to make a sincere attempt to contribute to mankind. He works for the greater good instead of for the sake of protection of his self image and clinging to the illusion of safety.
6. Own your edge
This life is a journey and we all are somewhere on our path. A real man is honest about where he is at in his development. He doesn’t pretend to be wiser or more evolved than he actually is nor does he shrink so that others won’t feel insecure around him. He knows his strengths and his weaknesses and not ashamed of either. That there is always work to do is a given to him. He knows where he has his work to do and is willing to listen and learn from those who have done that work.
7. Be vulnerable
A coward is always trying to hide his weak spots, a real man works on them. He is willing and able to reveal himself even in the midst of pain. He is vulnerable because he wants to be vulnerable. By opening up in every moment he is continuously practicing his courage. It’s his way of defeating his own cowardice.
8. Make love passionately
A real man does not hold back. When he makes love he opens up to all his rawness and all his tenderness and he gives his woman everything he has got. He does not shy away from intimacy. He can penetrate his woman so hard and deeply that she can feel that he is entering her soul. He aims for her heart. He makes her feel like a princess and a porn star simultaneously.
9. Practice a martial art
When push comes to shove every man should be able to defend his wife, children and honor. Just like we teach our children to swim to prevent them from drowning a man should know at least enough basic fighting skills so he can throw a punch in case of an emergency. A real man has spent enough time in a ring or dojo to ensure a deescalating presence. He does not panic, is not easily provoked and has some strength and skills.
10. Have a sense of humor (don’t take yourself so fucking seriously)
A real man can hold both the utter importance and the utter unimportance of life at the same time. He can see his own failures and flaws and joke about that. Since he knows his self image is just an image he feels no need to defend that image. He can uplift a tense situation with a joke but he isn’t the immature joker that abuses humor as a tool for escaping intimacy or sabotaging intensity. A real man has the capacity to light up the room. A real man embraces life.
11. Develop body, mind and spirit
A real man is devoted to the development of body, mind and spirit. Not to stay ahead of other men, not out of fear of being defeated, but because he has more to offer when he is healthy and present. Taking care of his body makes him fit and strong, taking care of his mind makes him clever and sharp, taking care of his spirit makes him wise, warm and compassionate. A real man knows that his body and mind are mortal but that the love he spreads during his life remains.
12. Be real
In the end a real man knows that he is just a guy. He does all these things because that’s what he is: a man. He likes hanging out with other men, he might drink beer during football, he loves his woman and he works wholeheartedly. Basically, he is just trying to do his best to make the most of life and is having some fun while doing that. His sweat is honest, his heart is open and his back is straight.
I love this post because strong women are looking for strong stable men, or in other words a REAL man.
This blog also very much relates to women. Being a REAL woman includes pretty much (broadly speaking) all of the same attributes as being a real man. There are some differences though and that will be the topic of my NEXT blog. Furthermore, real women take ownership of their power and don’t expect their man to ‘do it all’, nor do they blame their man for falling short of THEIR expectations. Women have a hell of a lot to own up to as well!
To all the women out there looking for a real man, you gotta be a REAL woman yourself to get close to a REAL man. So read my blog to find out more…
If You want REAL you gotta be REAL. Oh yeah!
Photo by Jens Lindner on Unsplash